fam mail - marriage or business?
ask me anything!
Hey fam and welcome back to dumb rich! Can you believe we’re chatting on a weekend? Feels fun!!! Things are wild!
Sooo you may be wondering why I’m working overtime? Yeah, same. LOL. I mentioned last week that I was doing an “ask me anything” on Instagram. Okay, it’s more work than I thought. I was thrilled beyond because I received quite a few questions that were really fun to answer. Biiiig thanks if you wrote in. We’ll be doing it every Monday so start brainstorming.
Money is nuanced and super personal, and a few people had questions that required more than the tiny Instagram box could handle. I decided I’ll answer those weekly on Substack because I could barely type four sentences on fucking Instagram stories. If you have a question or scenario you want me to chat about, please either DM me on Instagram or email me at hello@ariellafond.com. I’ll keep everything anonymous!!
I received the below DM from a gorgeous and kind reader that was highly relatable! She had amazing pleasantries in the beginning, but I removed those to try to remain humble:
I think I’m right in your target audience - shopper, 38, DINK fam w dog, NYC, etc. - so I thought of you while researching a little “issue” that came up tonight.
Finances have never been an issue before, we’re always 50/50, but I invested in a side hustle for myself right before we bought a home this year so now my husband is covering my half of the follow-up expenses like construction updates. I’m planning to pay him back bc I guess I like things to be equal… but is that weird?
Someone close to me said “you’re married, why would you have to pay him back?” While I do feel like what’s his is mine (LOL), I don’t want to feel like I owe anyone anything, even my husb. Soo how are couples splitting finances these days? I’m wondering both in terms of how much each covers or pays the other back, and also how they physically split it (joint account, one savings, etc.)?
OKAY!! What an amazing submission that really had me thinking. First, you are my dream reader — precisely in my demographic. Did we just become best friends?
Now, let’s get into it. You’re nowhere near weird. I really admire how open you and your husband are about your finances. Many couples would avoid this altogether, and that’s usually when resentment builds. I have a feeling that wanting to keep things equal is just how your financial brain is wired — whether that’s with your husband or anyone else. If that’s always been your system, it makes sense that you wouldn’t suddenly rewrite the rules because of a side hustle and a construction project.
Here’s the thing: there’s no one “right” system. I’ve written about a few options in an earlier post, here. Every couple does things differently. Some couples are “everything in one pot,” others do the “yours/mine/ours” approach, and some (hi, it’s you) go 50/50 with spreadsheets and reimbursements. The only metric that matters is: do you both feel like the system is fair and sustainable?
Let’s address the first question — should you pay him back or not? I don’t think this has a right answer from the financial perspective. You’re growing a side business, which ideally will generate income and boost your joint financial future. You aren’t asking him to pay for construction fees because you want to go on a shopping spree. You both are investing in your future, just in different ways. So if he’s like “it’s marriage, don’t worry about it,” you can take that for what it is and move on (helllllllllll yeah).
BUT, I don’t think that’s how you’d react. My gut says you should pay him back based on the way you wrote in. If paying him back feels fair to you (and if it keeps you from quietly resenting him or quietly resenting yourself) then pay him back. It doesn’t have to be immediately. You can either make a plan to pay him back slowly over time, or keep a running tab and pay him back with the proceeds from the sale of the house (unless maybe this is your forever home).
Moving forward, I think you should create a joint savings account for big-ticket “adulthood” expenses. You also asked how most couples do it — in my experience, the most “fair” way is to contribute a percentage of income as opposed to a flat 50/50. You can also have a conversation to determine if this percentage takes your side hustle expenses into account. This way, you’re both putting money toward shared goals while still keeping the freedom to spend whatever’s left however you want. That doesn’t necessarily help now since the money is spent, but I think this will eliminate that issue in the future.
And in our follow-up conversation, you mentioned that to keep things 50/50, you two reconcile the charges every few months with spreadsheets. My suggestion? Maybe retire the spreadsheet Olympics. Instead of putting yourselves through quarterly expense-report season, set a threshold — like, “if one of us fronts more than $2K, we’ll talk about it.” Keeps things fair without the admin burden.
Bottom line: pay him back if that feels fair to you, open a joint savings account for big-ticket expenses, and ditch the quarterly spreadsheet reconciliations in favor of a simple threshold rule. That way the system stays balanced without turning into extra work. For what it’s worth — I really think you’re already doing an INCREDIBLE job!
This was fun!! I hope it was helpful. Don’t forget to email/DM your submissions if you would like me to answer. Chat on Wednesday xoxoxo!
Amazing Sunday read!!!!