did jon hamm really need the money?

when your $5M income still isn’t enough to fund your midlife crisis

Hey fam and welcome back to dumb rich! I hope everyone has been having an amazing week. A lot has happened since we last spoke. Many highs and lows out there.

First up, “Rhode to riches”: Hailey Bieber sold her skincare brand, Rhode, for a billion dollars—but you already knew that, so I won’t pretend to be breaking news. The Knicks lost in the playoffs, but we all know the real loss is not getting to see Kylie and Timmy courtside anymore.

In my world, no major happenings. I finished Your Friends and Neighbors on AppleTV+ (or whatever these streaming platforms are calling themselves these days). No spoilers, but I was decently happy with the finale. The show gave me a ton of anxiety, but I grew to love it. I’m grateful it was only nine episodes—I couldn’t have handled more. I’ll miss seeing Jon Hamm and Olivia Munn on my screen. Not sure who I love more, but that’s for me to figure out.

babygirl

Anyway. The show follows Jon Hamm’s character, Coop, living a very charmed life in a fictional suburb that definitely feels like Westchester, NY. My husband, Mr. Dumb Rich, pointed out they were filming at Sleepy Hollow Country Club, so it’s pretty much confirmed. Reminder: I will not become a country club wife.

Coop seemingly has everything—career, family, money—but he’s totally numb to it. Of course, it all comes crashing down. He loses his job, gets divorced, and suddenly faces a new reality.

Naturally, he has a full-blown breakdown and starts robbing his neighbors. You know, it’s a normal way to cope. His logic? No one would suspect the charming, well-connected guy in the safe, gated suburb. He knows the ins and outs of everyone's homes and lifestyles. The perfect setup.

The items he stole include but are not limited to: an Hermes Birkin, a Patek Philippe watch, a Lichtenstein painting, the list goes on. The Wall Street Journal estimates the total haul to be worth $2.7 million. So… was this about the money? Maybe. His business manager/BFF said he only had 6-7 months of runway before he needs a new job. Let’s break down what he actually needs, shall we?

Family Home
Estimated monthly mortgage payment: $30,598
= $367,176/year
This includes property taxes (which are wild in Westchester) and homeowners insurance. Based on the show, this home is close to something that’s been featured in Architectural Digest. I picked this house in the same town as the country club at $4.3 million.

Bachelor Pad
Post-divorce, Coop gets his own place. Let’s say he buys a modest (by rich guy standards) home nearby. I chose this house in the area.
Monthly mortgage: $11,890
= $142,680/year
Add on some RH furniture and a sad single-man espresso machine and you’re good to go.

Country Club Membership
Monthly dues and spending minimums: estimated $2,000
= $24,000/year
Could be more. Some clubs in Westchester require six-figure initiation fees, but we’ll assume that’s already been paid. Between golf, dinners, and a few $40 omelets, this number adds up fast.

Private School Tuition
Two high schoolers in elite private schools = $50,000/child/year
= $100,000/year
And that doesn’t include extracurriculars, school trips, tutors or SAT prep.

Cars

• Coop: Kaiser Darrin: $90,000

• Ex-Wife: Luxury SUV: $80,000

• Teenage Daughter: Audi Q3 or something equally aspirational: $50,000
  We’re estimating $6,500/month in payments, insurance, registration, and maintenance
  = $78,000/year

Business Manager
These guys take around 5% of gross income.
Assuming Coop makes $5,000,000/year = $250,000/year
This is for someone to manage his bank accounts, investments, taxes, etc. Apparently the guy is seven figures over budget on his own home reno. Inspiring!

Alimony & Child Support
Rule of thumb: 25%–40% of income depending on the state and lifestyle
Let’s call it 30% = $1,500,000/year
Also, his business manager even said he's still covering the family home, despite paying his ex monthly…

Family Support (Sister’s Apartment)
Coop also pays rent for his sister’s place—she lives independently but under his tab.
$3,000/month = $36,000/year

Lifestyle / Credit Card
Estimate: $30,000/month on dining, clothes, golfing, gifts, expensive wine, tennis, more golfing
= $360,000/year
This is probably a conservative estimate. He seems like a “buy 50 of the same $200 t-shirt because they don’t itch” type of guy.

Charity & Galas
On the show, he buys two tables at an annual gala for $30K each = $60,000 for one event. Multiply that across gala season and we’ll estimate $100,000/year. That doesn’t include silent auction regrets.

The grand total is $2,957,856/year.

Honestly, his income might’ve been more than $5 million—his firm account was a large portion of his net worth and could’ve been subsidizing this lifestyle. When he got fired, he lost the account and his cushion.

So... yeah. Coop either needs to start robbing people or get a new job, like, yesterday.

I’m looking for new shows to binge so let me know what to watch and we can dissect. Chat next week xoxoxo!